Kei te pēhea koe?

Kia ora. 


my black book maori land with me. a trip so sudden n short, ain't got the time to snort a leak here.




+-------(8)


and if i'm motivated enough, the pictures of napier & christchurch rounds might appear here, but Again™.


so whats new:
CHC: a pussycat licked me. I feel she's Kate or some name like that, but bet the soil on my socks ain't tasty. 
 - first ride on a bombadier Q300 turboprop, 4 blades. <<--lots quieter then I ever imagine. ah..and a chat with a nice lady whilst flying over wellington. -late night photog-prowl till 2am in CHC. wonder, if I ever got marked by the dangers that lurked that night, least God prevented me from finding that out. 
                    -a visibly worried massage parlor chinese owner when she saw my glaring lens on my canon G11. gotta be sleaze behind those cheap veneer doors. 
                  thoughts mused their birth, while the kiwi notes warmed my ass.that encounter




            -Napier: quad-biked the au'natural zealander woods. shot a clay, barely stirring a grazing bull a shout away.  robin hooded a flag set on the foot of the hills.  nice ABB, nice.
      
                                         ---                               -- + -- 


                       ABB: now a part of the sales team. wonder if that gonna set me deeper in the stereotype in the minds of people. sigh. a place I truely don't wanna belong, since i sufficed the engineer's creed few years back.                          (0) let's see how this door opens on for me. mich be beside me yea, always.
                     all new struggles, a new drone to report too.  possible more places i be checking out with my black book in tow. just wonder, wonder, maybe this be the catalyst to tip the ball going. now that it sits in the shallowest of scratchs on the infinitely wide plain of possibilities.    well well..






                                      spacecake.yummy dreams.new g11.mich's getting use.a touch down 1hr from reunion. sheepland.cattleland. 


               believe me, new zealanders don't eat kiwi more then any of us here. for sure. 


         K & K & K. <--too much some times. may it fade soon, may it fade, please god.

dark_week

this week.
a record. another one record. 3 rest days in 5 weekdays. wonder how my bosses view that.
then again, why bother i quip.

some cafe now. nice quiet corner. cobra time.
and another weekend with less action.
a quiet stroll alongside cobra, a beemer parked with its sleeping owner in it.

my stomach rumbles on, a winning long drawn fight with its bug'ed inerts
am saying no to koC.
wondered why, but its a strange decision.

-------------------------)())(+==-------0

ok now some bitchin:
     while an editor reads photoblogs and photoJ rants,
  while a play writer reads scripts of recent plays.
   while a physicist tweets his latest reads from Nature.
 i'm never reading on operational engineering, nah service models for facilities management.
   why?



    maybe, thats why. the stark dryness i feel. the meaninglessness of them. the realization that, being replaceable, i'm just a drone. feeding some other drones. ouch, a new bad.

  sigh......i continues.

back to reality. circa. 2010

hello reality.

hello work spits.
cheers, peers pits.
greetings rat race.
and the likes, ya know who thy art' -sneer-

and all it takes to makes all that so much bearable is the simple sighs. the simple quietness. the simple prayers that whispers to my God, and my whines to my pumpkin.

       _==== -o-==++=''-

   now that even Google dares china. i almost took refuge in that and bear my brute the wrong way.

  how simply, i spot a Pink Martini in the coming doldrums. and the countdown begins, with the tix in my bag.
 
  post cat_power, i lost a fight. a soft spot for the mini escapades where one pay for froth. where one bask in the darkness as the curtains fall. frolicking in the impatience foam, so thick it keeps me wading like an iron man. and i survived a bout of the tummy-bug. (i'll thought i'd die from that one, a record 40 hours slumber in a 50 hour period, and it felt like i'm still not doing enough rest!).

                      ----= + =---__


               and it takes is some music. some hugs from mummy, sigh'ful smiles from dad, a sweetest phase from pumpkin. a re-read of an stale text msg. a hoot from cobra, and bicker with bro. and the evening re-aligns itself again into normality. when this comes, i asked. why we worked so hard for normalism when our dreams are anything but normal.

           just a rant Again™. 


OUT<

beach•state

location: burasari hotel, patong beach, Phuket island, Thailand.

mood: sheer smiles.

physical state: well into recovery state from feverish state hours befoe flight.

plans: full ahead escapade.

Remarks: vanity have me in shades tmr.

state of spirit: in full faith, and thankfully prayerful.

••••^===---+*

Location: T1

*coughs* and sniffs.

island of phuket awaits, a flight away and many coughs away. (_0_ )

been a spate of freaky events lately, but i kept my prayer strong. remembered, a girl once told me: smiling in the face of adversaries makes a man.

                   and a man i am.
                           + = +


an accident that wrecks my car later, after losing my iPhone later, and an explosion that almost killed me.
now, the sniffs and coughs plagues me. but heh!@ nothing's better comforting than this trip. so God, I know you're in control.

++ ---+  

so here from this terminal, i bade you readers a little short wave of my hand, and will be backed, less the fair skin I'm accumulated, less the worries and eagerness of this perfect break. and full of better smiles.

I'm optimistic, I'd like to have you believe. So trust me.
so from this terminal i leaked, this terminal i mused.

my bird's here. twin engines whirling away. come'on. come ON!

             -------+-------_=

freed_feel

Love this all along. gotta share. just gotta.
nail it spot-on. raw rawks.




Oops. Lord, forgive my frusts. earthy zits, earthy vents. amen.


----0---
-+__+-===(@)----[#]-- _-'|'-_ $=%
--===+
a change in me begins. yes Again™
____
applause.then.stillness. (repeat)

titled.

hey hey, my my.

buddy Joe. (sounds like 'bloody joke'). 

yet another storm er? this time, i'm rocking too. like what the hell' man. but like all storms, they usually pass.

so hang in there brudder.

                 ---0---

week's has been toil and tolls! some late night escapade, then more late dinners. and then pulling late nights at the shipyard. then suddenly, the energy to create somes, seeping seepage at first, now a torrent it almost is!

let's see if let this get to waste, Again™.  

last night was sobering.  and it was much needed. 

  --0--

1.05pm. 

an afternoon @home. alone, 'cept for the rodents. this is rare! Liking it quite a bit!

-pause-

ok: decided to edit my photos. grins. i'm finally getting down to creating again. 

and really gotta start channeling this 'yinyang' some where.

I'm feeling happy these days. Restrained, but happy.

God, keep me this way. Amen. Show me more of the comings, and thy plans. 

Bring me the past week. again. please!! 

blessed be all the who i've been blessed with. amen lord.

over.

crossed_road_trip.

readers.

Ever reached a state confusion. a state of inner non-stop emo state. effusive non-ending.
funny, but it was brought upon by some joys. and of course some urgh! routines.

does not help, that i diagnosed myself recently, that my terminal illness is not in remission. thought that it has paused for a while, but it hadn't. sad, but clock's ticking.

---eggy---

and now. somehow. at kinda tippin point. to go or not. to re-start or not. on bed, sometimes awashed in midst of thought adventures, hues plainer then the Tiffany's blue. i can smile.

some sparks remained, some died. some came unexpectedly and of course, my fingers are burnt. but these pains, alives' me. and my fingers itch to rock my red guitar again. moolah to get a new amp. and stomp boxes, of course, remains a limiter. like a speed limiter.

Muse:
wonder why they put 'slow' on the roads that motorists are to go slow?
i mean, do they meant to jeer at the drivers...like You are SLOW...with a jeerin tone.
thats why i speed often. safely though.

despite all my rage, still a rat in a cage.
                                                   - the smashing pumpkins.

 -(*)-

62nd.

Posts that has been edited/removed till now: 02.

---- x ----(@)-

I wonder who reads my blogs now.

With such low post frequencies, gotta be tough being a darkad fan.
But, I'm sapped and time/situational restrained, miss those freed Nano days.
So now what's new, a dine and a drink with fellow cobra, a good laugh to clense my heart knots. A good break from the whirl, and too for my michétte.

+*+^=======--->

Some things settle fast. Some lingers on. Like the tongs of a bell, loudest in the emptiest of towers.

I'm tired today, and almost happy too. Let me see if I can get my comments enabled here, and readers and fans, holler to me please...

I'll sink in the sheets now, whilst letting the haze cloubs my soberiety.

losses_discovered.

61st_post.

- edited - 


( * )

---- = + = ----

shhh... i woke in the middle of the night.
Not sure what shook my slumber. Not sure if I feel all rested, but still i woke up in the middle of the night.

Been told i leaked my mind like song streams, but it'll be anyone's guess if it rocks to what sort of music genre. Comments any one? MSG me via my cell...

•••{ choo }=+>- - -
a sneeze rang in from a distant point. peeled my ears for any more...
the chill and stillness returned. still I woke in the middle of the night.

and there I laid, awaiting the darkness to swallow me whole again, and me out in the morning I pray....

-- =[ ( • • ) ]= --

the silky still if the night is not torn yet. but i can sense the throngs of engines and the morning crowd starting their din.
still I woke up in the middle of the night.


it had been a bad evening. last min change in plans, work sapped my wills.
An early night that accidentally started with my first snore.

no. 5-eight.

and so its again(tm).

---=+ A B B +=---

a simple night, a twisted neck. warp wants, and no left turns to see.
wonderful night. its cool for instance. :)

been two months and 25-days into the Corp. or Inc.
ride's been nice. a little rough, but its the learning/buffing kinda rough. it polishes me. not that I realise I'm ruby on the inside, but its jade! so Jaded! haha.

So appt, but jade seems over used these days.
i miss my nano-man days...a superhero to the rescue at all sites, and of course those times left my mich waiting for me, sacrificing.

well well...the plunge was god sent anyway. and i'll continue to keep thinking that way.

--------> NTU ---> Michette on pink.

my dearest has graduated, blame the clock though, a little to late her convocation.
pregnant friends, madly hardly selling salesgirls holler out loud: "shots for cheap!!"
-- a pity, but glad at least she felt the excitement in mine. 2 yrs ago. she's tired after the ceremony. a nice dinner perks us all up. 'cept my strained neck. not letting up on me still. head's at a 5 deg left tilt now. sigh.

<-- negative flirt -->

what ever that means.

congratulations michette. we're on the other side of the painful fence now. always greener on the other side? guess it always is.


QUE 1: now the reader(s) give applause. (5 mins round) now standing ovation.
QUE 2: silence. fade into the night..

pre-flight

----+-

prior to a flight
feel like a fight
my mind goes into a whirl
while the turbines swirl
in my world of nevers
maybes an upheaval
wheres my star amidst the blanket hues
lost in the crowd
of yawns bustling sprouts
never, too far away
the opiate of slumber calls.
~~~
_____---''>>
___>____--------

Hail people, to me. Come read me, here I shout.
90 minutes to burn. then another 55minutes to burn, airborne.
I'm back again to Truly Asia city, as the locals will pridefully claim.

and some secret corner of the airport found, I'm spewing my mind leaks Again(tm).

So....What have I here, I ask myself?
First: no indians out to prove that they are IT, snatching the net terminals always in every airport round the world.

secondly: I'm still with Nano, and nani-sized clues about my stay with them.
(*)++-- __
Thirdly: My and Michette has decided to delay the bestow'ing of the Queen to the King. (mortal ones).

--------------==+==--- *-

And then the steam escapes, the birds shit too.
The sun continues its merry go round, the earth yawns.
Whats shining, tis to glaring.
Tired limbs, and sleepless eyes.
I'm on my mission again, to save some robots from scrapyard fate.

So fly, me metal bird, to the boleh land.

Da..dada..dadum..lalala...
The world's a vampire.
Sent only to the drain...


yawns..

Dear God

a_waited

seems like so long since I leaked here. too long I say.

but hey, it takes only so much to jade me. the constant drones from work. the endless emails streaming in. the misplaced heart-tugs i have to fight back. and the twirls and whirls of in-house storms.

add some busy long days at work and you have a jaded me. stoned. can't write, can't get in the mood to read. and just plain, staring into space sometimes. but some smiles from the few special people in my universe just exert the all mighty force to pull me back from the event horizon of the blackhole state of mind. a state where suicide seems sweet. an endless journey we all face, back and forth towards this end.

Mich's been strong, and I try to be there for her.
some storms brewing, and it exploded last night. a powerful one. without sense and purpose. like many things in the world.

awhile more and I'd be heading north, too a hellish place, to be fed into the fires of the directors and presidents - royalties of some customer. I pray my fingers survives...so i can pinch shut the arteries in my neck after i'm beheaded. so I won't bleed too much. optimistic ain't I?

i wish for (10mins pause), joy.

angels come sing for me...

KLIA.....IA.! IA!

awaiting flight. Again(TM).

long sighs and M'sia makes me miss home. Or that familiar foreign lands makes me miss home. And worst still, its Malaysia airlines that I'm riding home....old birds and ******. Well..it'll be better if its SingaporeAirlines. But still, I shouldn't complain.

----===( + )===--------------+---

As I type here, Singapore's losing to China on the table, individual this time. They've done well... and all the squambles of importing whoever from wherever to win whatever's pretty pointless! The girls, they deserve our YumSeng many times nonetheless!

------++---

I'm in need for a short get away...though just back from UK. Perhaps, some getaway thingy with my love. Am back playing the strings again, this time for worship. Hope to tie me back to His ways tighter through the rocker' strings.

As I await the bird, my heart has left for home. Anyway, breakfast sucked too. Oh..the weather seems better here!

Ta.

Me

Just a soul at the rock show.


That pretty sums up who I am, how I feel and how I relates..

just thoughts

another entree.

lots of changes.

a new year. new beginnings. where shall I even start. I mean, I'm excited thinking back.

I'm engaged now!. to my better half, hooray! A touchy proposal on the 58th story. with a killer view and a black bird and a Tiffany stone, on bended news, tears flowed and a excitedly anxiously waited: yes!.

And I've got a huge liability to burden the green earth-loving campaigners, and to feed the cartel with my ever increasing mileage. and yes, now my shoes seldom get wet in thunder storms...its all worth! imagine dry socks! cool er. I thank god for metal matter.

and come 21st apr, God willing, we'll select our love nest. and the journey to fight the debts and non-economical wants continue..

I'm just back from a great evening. haven't had such like theses in a real long while.
just me and my fiancee, checking out town, a nice (cheap) steak dinner. browsing expensive upmarket apparels and leave empty handed, laughing at previous jokes, and poseurs along the posing range (cineleisure), at ourselves. then satisfying our eternal itch to shop by getting some real cheap deals bottoms and tops at some budget departmental. sending her home..yawning while driving...and a smileful good nights. just a world of an own's some light spending, and I'm full. Guess thats all I need sometimes...most of the time I'd add.

and I love thee, reader.

50th entree

folks.

come make merry and celebrate. my blog has reached its 50th entree.. nice er?
well...what do i have. interesting experiences i'm having right here in california, damn some india indians were hogging the free net terminals at Changi airport prior to my flight showing off their IT dependency perhaps? gosh.

my epic 18 hour flight to the land of opportunities was well, seated beside a old india native grandmother...not so bad if she ain't that huge, if she din't snore, and if she speaks english..only if ha! but dun get me wrong..she seems sweet. prob would offer me her best curries if she got a pot to cook on board.

my trip? the worst part? leaving my love behind at her most critical time. gosh, why can't be a better time? well..I'll leave it to God for that...maybe she'll stay stronger and focus better? i hope and pray so.. not easy for me man..not all easy at all..

California's a real mixing pot man. see lots of chinese american babes, and blacks and lots of hispanics. ha interesting..but no one's an exclusion. just an american.
ride their subway, drove on their freeway, try to get about as much as I can...trying to walk among locals..picking up milk from their food-marts, take away breakfasts, walking hoodup in the chilly mornings. i kinda get it why ppl wanna come here for good. i'm bought man.

good ridin, got a few engineers from Utah to hang out around, checking out down town San Francisco...the fisherman wharf, the Bay area. just plain cool. wish i could do it with michelle rather...she'll love to be with me walking around I'm sure.

alrights gonna sign off here...from Milpitas, CA, USA.
till then folks. pictures coming up.

bigger footprint

my apologies to the world, and future generations.
for the comfort of my butt, and the love of my queen, and the securement of my job.

I've decided to shop for wheels. and increase my carbon footprint.
but I guess, its worth it.

it gonna drain my pockets. but fill my wishes for my queen.
its a Latio, if all goes well.

my single biggest purchase measured in money.

and to my queen, i send thee it.

= = = = = = = = +=--


a month has past, since that day.
my confidence in us is back.
and your sweet words in your blog, plays the strings in my heart.
thank thh, my Lord, for the chance to thank thee, my mich.

the day.

you know during the course of our life, some days are like living nightmares. like the day before you get executed, or the day you fail that paper that you'd expect an A+ grade for.
or like the day your love one just died.

you get the idea.

today was that, and at least ten times worst. no kidding.
I've disappointed the most important person in my life, and I did not realised it.
to learn things the hard way is, really hard.
few things can make me cry for more then once in a day. I cried at least 50 times today.
but nothing hurts me more that I realised I've hurt her. and the signs were there and I ignored it.

our journey of almost 4 years, I took for granted. and to think her dad ask her not to take me for granted. what an ass I am.

I've just got a msg. she's with that bear, that she hinted me for so long and I never bothered. I remembered, but silly stupid me just thought that its such lame to buy a sweet girl sweet little gifts. i'm so de-sensitised to what a love couply thingy should be. what rock and shit, nothing else matters now.

I'm on a mission to go after my life, my universe. No one can stop me now, not even GOD. yes, God, I'm sorry. But I've set my mind and thats to go after my love, that love that I never shower with love, the love that I never ever went after.

No turning back now.

'sniff'

still not done.

haha eating my words. been busy with so many stuff. that I FORGOT my blog project.

ha such a failure here. ok maybe I can't fix a proper date to this blog project.

Continual changes will be the term to use. so check back when you feel like it.

---=+=---



so whats new. work's good. and news has it, I will be in charge of someone next year...oh God let me have the promotion.

ok if any one realize.... the bimbotic me has rear its ugly head again yes. Its head.

and so SanFrancisco here I come 15 days after my 26th birthday. 16th September, I'll leave my favourite island in the universe to south korea and to be stuffed into another jet to bring me to planet earth's Gay capital. not just any jet mind you, its the Boeing 777-300ER 3rd 3rd largest commercial jet with the most powerful commercial jet turbines in the world. 115KN trust. amazing? any engineers drooling here? man thats what I call power.
freed from bonds of the professors, I've had bonded with joel like never before. dude. thanks man.

when there's yin. there's yang.

on other the other sectors of my life, i'm declining to name the facet, things' muddy. a little messed. bottled up in me. yet its so hard to say. and I'm skipping services again.
sigh. yes I'm still bottled up. so when if anyone meet me, give me pat, a hug maybe. I'm deprived.


and the mood to write has just faded. so wait till then.




-OUT-

not done.

readers and whirling wind blades.

there's a new re-make over of my current blog. so well it'll be cool to shout to me. via msn, sms or darkad@gmail to tell whats expected to be the new theme.

the count down begins.

come end Jul 2007. a new blog look.

dun expect too much, am just a boring engineer. nuts and bolts maybe?
oh ya wires and circuit boards too.


cheers ppl. go on.

for today, I watched the smashing pumpkins live. they're back. Jesus! they're back!

go billy.

imeem luver

smashing pumpkins revived.
cheers people. the return of music proper

mob mobile

a brand new output point.

and a new phase in life.

and so i ended the two decades long journey with a honors degree (albeit 3). and so a job I've landed myself.

-=+=-
-----+-

right this moment, on da bed. i leaked some thoughts. ER is on the tv, babe's asleep beside me, and tomorrow's the 3rd last day before my new job.
hey GOD. All's sweet and goodwell.

Times like this, i love it. just plain sailing. prayers? i do have, thank thee Lord Melvin's saved. Let my boss be good, let Let much get her degree chance, and that joel get his compass soon...Thank you Father.

Joel want to do comms studies. Too.


slumble is sweeten bliss.

love

erm. hey readers (rare and distracted ones, the only i know), read not this post for its a little peak into a huge s.pumpkins fan's craving for writing. sweet writing. and honey, mock not k? bleah

and so they say amidst the condoms ad, and skin smoothing media-wash:
O love, thy one I'll be, till the heaven rocks and the sadness steams from the stream of desperation.


how often had i heard of this statement.

does love means being on speed and sucking some rods to ease the need and pain to satisfy the crave for 'love' of your love one? does it mean wanting a comfortable car ride so that she can smile for a happy him. so that dresses are new and crisp to hide the 'right' curves and pureness.

i found my love. no mistake about that even thru hell I'll ride the serpent's tongue to rid the world of hurtful ones to her, to me. lately i've heard from a close bud, how deep is he into his girl. (no pun intended) it jolts me....impressively (and now i feel), passive of me. ha but i guess, time rules and so let this stream of love flow. no delta or plains gonna dilute it a tinge ever, i'm sure. (gore-aunty + chop, they like to say)

OK back to the real world.

Here I am, at a crossroad, of between scholarhood and an unemployed prick....and so the begging for material alms begin. fronting giant doors that hide the tiny machines and robots.
toys of mad scientist that I still hope to become, i'll knock and pray.

believers, pray for me.
self'ers, wish me luck.

and may God bless the world.

phases

weapon of choice



and now, today. a pretty close fren's getting out of the singlehood realm. where free-spiritedness is lost and personal time cease to exist. well..no dun get me wrong. It ain't bad actually. 'cept here's one case of a rush?

She's 21 (barely), he's 30. He's a pilot. She's..erm...a girl with strong enterprising ambitions. and so they found a lovenest ideal for their...erm semi-heck careness. I'm confused with their approach, all's a little rush if u'd ask me.

AND.



again(tm) i'm rushing my coursework stuff. and this weekend have to be so packed!
fuck PI SAI. well for those who know, yeah you know. (sorry darling).


AND

now, i'm suppose to be smarting myself up for sarah's celebration to end singlehood. but Nirvana's playing on my stereo, microsoft word is opened with my thesis shouting at me to go on typing, hands sore from molesting my red guitar, room getting warm from the evening fusion ball. iPod's charging fast as it can, and on my mind is the long overdue back to church (a month plus i think, sorry God), my jamming (2 months) dinner with mich and her extended family at ritz.....gosh where is time! dun run. come back. sigh. pains of a mid-twenty succumbing to the rat race.




cheers and more sighs as I await May 11th (thesis submission) and July 7th (the return of the pumpkins) and what else? remind me....



-OUT-

untitled

somehow the fonts when on a strike and vacant themselves for their lesser fellows, nonetheless blogspot's font kinda suck. -END-




- = +< * >+=-


so its another commercial day. again(TM). well, attached ones out there! go on love your love today. love harder. and for those qualified, fuck harder too.

------'----,----(f)
and so today,
prostitute's charges are higher, roses more costly, corny couple wear more rampant, higher need for 'Plan B' pill, higher suicides counts, more prayers, dinner cost times more, more bleeding hearts, shaved legs, infinite increase in smiles tears and hair pulling moments, and above all, a reminder that i'm happy that i'm here in God's kingdom of infinite possibilities.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------=_=---


scorn not, at my frank realizations spoken aloud.

I use to wonder whats stopping me from, being extra nice (nicer then I already am I mean) polite and being happier. some read my msn phrase as me being in an impetuous state of mental carousal. as me denying GOD.

BUT no. I'm not along that thought.

phrase for we're made to Fear God. and so to humble myself myself in His name is my daily prayer request.

----)(--


anyone share my curiosity of wanting to know how do RockStars survives hypertension?

TO POP MUSIC LOVERS here some nice video that I found. it rocks. oh i mean it sells for sure...so u must like it.



notice the dancers? we here we have it, how cool it look to sing a nice "hot selling" song and then the dancers move...oh so cool yeah. make the idol look so 'shuai' and short of fallin rain and shuffling hair in the wind Billy's bald though.

truth: a protest by billy to crap N*SUCK and Co. on radio with sync dancers and dance moves and lip-sync tracks written by musicians with a library of ready 'products'. put in chords, mix and stir and sell. add in some words of love and forlorn. there you go...music today. rocks yea? i mean 'pop' yeah. ha take it from me. eat this.


to my love, yeah! V day, so what!

breeds

today's the greatest, i've never known...

i've been wondering...do people spread sadness by telling..... or its the back propaganda of affections that forms the sole reason of revealing.

bring forth cheers, and company and it drowns one's soul. strip the smile and its always there, +++++++++++++++ deeply, this carnal being that functions best alone when sad. and best socially when happy.
+=+

=== + -+=- I went online, Irc. an online haven for lonely souls that deny themselves of this fact of knowing....its flooded. some channels are full...i spoke to 4 people. one gay, one bi, and one girl from my own university and another who was fat and sad. (<-the or so she says.) this exploration trip was almost therapeutic....distracting myself from my mortal woes. I stopped after the gay starts getting ideas in his head...it disturbs me. not grossed out, but the fact that people equates the killing of the boredom with satisfied animalistic needs. i'm equally intrigued when i read up on psychaotic behaviors in people.... **-+=- one sad guy radiates this void of loneliness.... when two such void overlaps, things happen. alrights...who's read till here? by far a few, if any. I dunno, but this does not tell much about me..or i'll deny anyway. beautifully fitting and crafted:
My reflection, dirty mirror
There's no connection to myself
I'm your lover, I'm your zero
I'm in the face of your dreams of glass
So save your prayers
For when we're really gonna need'em
Throw out your cares and fly
Wanna go for a ride?
from: Zero by The Smashing Pumpkins




where is nobody?

yttrium days....

cheers! holy praises sound out loud!

+ Y +


hm...though I didn't get my first few choices of my Final Year Project (FYP) in NUS, somehow, by God's grace....I was allocated one that I was pretty much interested in, and it seems to fit pretty well, my long sought goal of handling those material science experimental tools...sputtering, dipositin and ion implantator! (read geek's toys, high radiation mind you!)


--==========_


why the "Y" u might ask.

Project Code: 2455, Fabrication of Characterization of Yittrium-based Films

any material fanatics? i wanna discuss with ya!! revival of the nerdism.



congrats me!

thank God and i'm cheering again!

an again day.

hmm....how should i start on about a day thats full of agains?

awoken to an alarm ring at 5.45am with michelle all dressed ready for her day in punggol pri.sch.

nudging me to make that sandwich for her breakfast. goggly still, decided to gave her two hams slices. (she complains later)

byes, a hug and i'm back in bed with the world rushing off the usual start of yet another day outside the window.

8.00am alarm rings.......snooze..

8.09am rings.....snooze...

8.18 rings....turn off alarm.

next moment, 11am..watch some tv lazing in bed. ( love such mornings ).

ha mich's dad is back.....some small talk..and off to fetch mich from school.

yada yada....nice afternoon after a bath....she naps whilst i watch some survivor stories on cable.

hugs and smooches...i just wanna spend such times ya know? like the ain't care and mutually I dun too.

dinnner, and head home with Luch:Uno playing on my ipod.

returns to a dark room, and pops a message window with joel.

thanks, dude. he reminded. have i prayed? nope, and cell's tmr...

God, make me give you more time.


zzzzzzzz.....

oh so courtney a world

oh so courtney the world we live in.
so suppressed, so engrossed.

anyone know me reading this? then know why i indulge in God and rock as a way of life.

Courtney Michelle Harrison aka c.love, so self. so engrossed. so rock. not 'rock' as in cool as all us wannabes says.

i'm beginning to explore the forces that feeds my fluctuation desire to blast my ears ringing with gashing distortions from guitars and basses. husky rock voices, wailing cries from wah wahs and two note bends on the fretboard. nothing. really. nothing perks me like God and these rock moments, just me and music.

I'm so suppressed, this society i exist in. where slipknots are scorned at, billy.C laughed at, exposing breasts ogled and frowned upon, being nationalist reported in the papers.

democracy? alrights. whatever.

God save me.

Mich, stay by me. Sanity's sweet sugar to a torn tongue.

wrecked world

-Fiction Entry-an attempt to write a sad story-

Whoever read this, please pass a word to God.

I'm sad, but i seemed happy on the outside.

I'm trying not to think too much and i think i'm failing to.

Dad's in a mess, financially. Ain't revealing how much's coming in, or going out.

Late bills are the only indication. Whats else unrevealed? I really dun know.

Mum's getting aged, but still gotta work as a canteen vendor, hot oil fumes and air and all, sigh.

Elder bro, gotta work hard to build his own future now, yet still giving the family so much.

And the incomeless me and my younger bro, gotta just make do with what ever little we earned each month, goodness we are undergraduates! but the world does not gurantee rich students life.

Whats gonna be in the end? losing the flat again?

Mum dad does not really talk anymore, feeding the tense taut air.

This's for real, reader.

So to whoever i said that money ain't nothing to me, this is the world of money.
Use it, but some of us slave for it.

But God, for many repents I owe, I still wanna seek an answer..why all these?

Please.

For all the trips to thailand, I owe mich's parents too much. in material and support. Think I can afford all that? yea right.

Fuck money.

flight bangkok

hail world.

another year, another trip. yes thai addicted.

+ == - +

and yes, this time, Bangkok.

A well deserved one, I'll pat my back and say.

This time with Michette's Family and neighbour (aka Jarell Ong's).......


So bye hustle busy singapore o motherland, and wave me off on my trip to paradise, shopping, culture and otherwise...





awaiting the plane, still. FD 3506.



May God bless me a trip of blessings. +

denied

I'm so denied.

of a chance of greater heights from where i stood high up.

of a greater chance at chanced' encounters.

in academic terms, few will understand.

of this knowledge that i'm always withering in denial.

I denied myself humbleness.

and faith.

awake up call that came so untimely? or rather timely too.

well...its just another 18hours to another examination. am I ready? My loved ones cheer me on, just be too stressed on thyself they told me. I guess I have to heed. but wats the point sometimes of these stress....
is it a self-carve void i'm harbouring? or just a mis-step that expanded into nothingness?

Whats wisdom that comes from hardwork? or is worthless as sudden windfall?

It all boils down to choices.

Nontheless.

I thank thee, My Lord. For i get to choose. Now, i ask for this moment on. I be on the right mind to choose. chase the physical and shallowness away. Its a hard time, no mistake about that. but i don 't wanna stumble. least the haunting past comes in return, in return i wanna turn to thee. now work thy angels on me, my mind and heart and faith. No stumbleine I'll be.


stargazer. star=sol.

morning time

amidst the unfortunate events that surrounded me...

+ I realise i've just this some one that has tolerated my shit. my tones. my sulkiness.

=++--- i vented it on her so without knowing it so many times.. -=+=-'

0--00---00== >>

Michelle. i just wanna apologise.

thanks for all these support. i know u hate thanks. but i really owe m sanity to u i think.


+++++ ++++-

am still mugging at this hour. can't believed it. but yeah thats the norm in nus. sch sucks? nah...just tough. been thru NSF times...so gotta maintain that kinda mindset. Besides, God put me in. yeah awesome God, and i rest my complete faith He';; pull me through.....amen? aMEN!

times

its just about half hour after i blog'ed.

my aunt left us. half an hour pass midnight.

a failed attempt to restart her heart.

maybe she decided its time.

she's freed from suffering now.

i'm missing her. alot.

a lot.

may her family be strong.

My Geylang Bahru Aunty

Just back from hospital.

She's still laying there. frailed, weak. weaken. and unconscious.

never cried so much in my life in a day.

my closest aunty. from young.

i prayed. but dun know what i prayed and wanted.

she's worried and not letting go just yet as i typed this.

i dun know. what to feel or what i wanted for her.

Lord, i prayed to u again. no asking why this time. its part of life yea?

but stop the torment and pain. every breath whe take, a grunt of pain.

her frail body just heaving with every effort. so too many false alarms.too much pain.

i din know i felt that close to her. how i could just break down.

just all these got tears welling up my eyes again.

aunt. forever i'll call u geylang bahru ah-ee. from those years u stayed there. and ever.

it changed my view of hospitals.

it changed my views on old age.

Lord take care of my cousins nephews and uncle. Please.

its so taxing. and they have been there re-assuring her...its ok to go....

no more reponses when i left left the hospital. aunt. i wish u safe passage.

ah-ee....pang sim. pang sim.

time

No cheers this time.

for real.

i guess time has its ends and greats.

just recieved news, from my mum. my aunt has entered in a coma.

it hurts to know. when amidst all these inhuman stress, yet.

She had a long battle, past the doc's one-year left of life diagnosis. and that was 4 years ago?

i thought my prayers were answered. my closest aunt.

just 2 weeks ago, i saw her whine about her bored stayed at NUH.

on that bed, she laid frailed and weak. but still muster that smile. and naggy voice.

but i know, she's in pain. Why Lord why. i prayed a safe painless passage if it'd to come.

prematurely so. she's the one that i joke and made me wonder why aunties speak so loud.

now's she in coma. I'm praying. i'm almost devastated.

who'ever reads this. please join me in prayer. i pray for her comfort. for my uncle and cousin.

for my feelings. for mum and dad. its one of her closest sister.

did i miss the chance to save her? i dun know. but God you'd understand the dilemma i had.

I pray for forgiveness in that too.

-OUT-

@SMA office, mugging my notes. like a machine. yet feeling so devastatingly human.

oh boy ++==---

----+

the season of stress had come so much faster.

========++= like a wham in da face.

Nope, I ain't prep up for this.

Somehow, working with machines and systems ain't my prefer the sub-atomic physics i did last sem. +

+_ but hey, who got the choice here. I'm like lacking the sanity to choose...for once, i'm realising its ain't easy (again). thought I had tided over that phase. Argh.

-------- My drummers' India, hows he? Drumming upon elephants? I hope not, He's too thin to fight 'em. =

- - - + - - '


I dun know, I'm so like in need for a break. escapism? ain't sure if i'm getting that. but well, took a 20hrs break yesterday. felt a little refreshed, but need more. But I gonna pray, and hey u profs and assignments bware...for my Mighty Lord will blow you all away..._+



==+- the morning after > a night spend half-mugging at on campus...

-------Mich, thanks. Again. FOr all, for now, for out future. for you. Need ya'

==--- And Now, I have the iPOD. mini pod. darkadPOD. silver hot. like nothing. I'm so blessed.
Thanks auntie.

OUT

new year

-was saved as draft- its out now. go on. read it. laugh it. suck it.

boo.

a scare.

a slew of changes, a year of changes.
++===--------------------/-

hows it gonna be, its only me and God to decide. +

++ = -=+-

this gonna be a year of the "100% Good movement".

a 100% good son cum guy cum servant de Lord.

________+______________=====-

and yes, melvin reminded me, its the year that i've attained mid-twentinism.
cruel>?
yes.

Profe-what?!

heh ppl of the world and those of hell roots,
thats coming now, +---+

whats now?

nah, just some weird stuff going on,
likes friends in a real war over a battleship that hardly floats,
like mistaken enemies from a mistaken foreign land

+------==+

anyways, its one of the days again,
where I finally leak my brain,
and my cellphone is dead flat or flat dead.

= = -+=

------_+-

once, again I pray to Lord, my saviour and God.
He brings peace, to earth and to all the wretched heart we all made of love.

-----------------------+----------

darkad's now a band , with originals to boast for.
now, wish me blessings, as the period of blood-letting begins,
where the owl thread the ground and we the undergrads
bled for the exams drain.

ciaos

An opiate dreams

------------+=

I found this person, a girl.
Who fell and made me fell into the feelings well.

--=========---

Now another period came, that reflect the unconditional unsuspecting us, its just a moment that came, a random generated one. This pain during such, is nothing but redundent voids, that was never meant and forever never.

--------+--

I gave her a stone, that was created for eternal hardness, reflecting my eternal joy I'd found.
She was overjoyed! I went over the moon, it was a nice view.
The tears of emotional joy.
And brought her to a secret garden where which love just flow.
The day of the birth of angel 21 years ago, ended with a kiss.
The angel has been reborn! Wings fluttered and so did my heart.
smiles.


--------------=+=---

No.
Nothing is wrong, Just a never meant mental manifast.
The diamond will sparkle, till the day the universe ends.
So just trust me with all you have, your limbs and heart.
And the morning will come once again, starting with a hug.
And never ending like a star.
smile for me. again.

happy birthday michelle.


----------------==-+------0:)---

transient moods

heh peeps.

am writing from the airport. a la transit puntal.
minutes from take off, first trip to the land of the golden fetish.
where monks are in eternal meditation.

+-----=+_

just a joy, a lep of hooray.
I'm off, first time off the land of s'pore and m'sia in many years.
first flight in 10 years.

+----+++===++

Wish me fun, and i'm going with my love.
and her parents. it'll be fun for sure.
:-)


OUT

Un-edited picture. My vision of Ngee Ann City in financial terms. 

Darkadians Fall in! 

ShagDoll is born, Darkad is here to spread the word, the rock, the music, the feed. 

The ChinatownDog 

Our small beginnings... 

Trio Outshooting 

laments

Whats sex without love.

Whats love without sex.

--++--
---+------+--==_+


These periods of melancholic blandness, is it a desert of feelings.
a flood of numbness, a rush of emptiness,
is it feeding nothingness, fueling zeros,
freezing flames, blinding stares upon the blank walls,
wheres the feel, the drive, the crushing shocks,
am I craving it cause I had missed it, passing on by,
or just blinded like a star-nose mole.

=----==-------- + + -+

bring me the light, these times I can't see.


_==++

15 more days. I end my lifeless life phase.
looking forward, but will look back and miss the paths that crossed.
those that some i might hang on to, and those that altered my planned paths too.


-OUT-

Am back armed with a Canon Powershot A510 

thoughtful disdain

heh.
a new phase.
wassup. nothing new's the norm.
**
blog entry created at Takashimaya's Staff Canteen
9th June 2005 A.D
1736hrs
**

sitting here, just observing the workers of this huge japanese conglomerate of sorts.
a self-claimed capitalistic system. (i disagree)

to feed, to doze, to chase the much needed naps. the desperate snore fix.
the huge frenzy that rushes in, tired legs. the frantic rush against time to catch up the gossips between staffs, whos who. point and corner stares.
then there's the occasional loner, lost and who breaths and thrives in solitude in the the make-believe world of cheers.

does it matter, this ever-filled frenziness, fuzzing with zero identities, the very souls that powered this comes and goes, like leaves on a century-old oak.

-----_==++------------==

Underneath all these gossiping, just hidden from the senses, from thoughts, the wails of broken families, surviving victims of wrecks, of endless solemness abd love-hate games. so human, it seems, this place oozes with the essence of the yearn of fairness, envy and nano-scopic dosages od contentment.

==============+--+- - +--

the re-energised crowds leaves and comes again. almost like a breathing pair of lungs, with hour-long cyclic existance, stopping only when the night comes to rest. the melancholy cheers of the roaches and mices.









+ + +-====+ ====---+ Reality ++--

Life's pretty much a plain doasi now. six day weeks, i plough on, ain't seem that bad, considering the well-deep trips of thoughts on the bus en-route and from work. that occasional blind man, irritating grannys, limping mynahs, and nuclear-powered crying machines (babies). timid maids too.
the fabric of smooth-thread boredom silk, ever changin colours that feels the same, the fingers of bored mind.
smile on darkad.
Jamming sessions peppers my world, the much needed outlet. its working well, darkad. the upcoming force that the rock sonic world gotta reckon with.
sighs.
'nough said.

thanks mich, for tolerating my nonsense. just this june. for the money. the stuff that matters not when u're with me.
i promise thee, phuket's paradise. it is already one. in our collective mind, it had already begin. the trip we look forward to..
thanks. thee God.
bless the world on.

till laters'


--------- - - - - = - - -+

insecurime

phone call.
nice dinner in 48 hours.
nice talk.
sweet nothings.
then a wrong mention.
rolled.
snowballed.
and it melted in a mess.

now i'm so in a sorry state.
mich's angry.
nothing else matters more.
i miss her smile.
but i still deserve that.
sorry.
sorries.

guess i brought it upon myself.
lesson learnt.
monday.....bluest?
maybe....suppose to start fine like all weeks.
but my great study cum bitching mate's got herself a mate.
and so is my fellow red lover.

sighs.
alone in the library.
so alone.
awaiting for mich's message to vibrate my freezing ass.
no, it didn't come.
sighs.
multiple sighs.
couples frolick in full view.
she came online, and blasted her feel.
i'm so broken.
i wanna cut the holes out of me.
but i just can't.
i just wanna mend them now...

come mich. read this and i just wanna say sorry.
brain's pretty slow and numb.
discussion over lunch about a impending death of a friend ain';t helping.
Lord. come hold me.
please.

meanwhile, Tanya sings, her sweet voice and momentedness it brings.
library's such a cold place sometimes.

but thank God, there's ryan. so its kopi time later. been awhile.
and i realise some stuff:
gotta work it to earn it.
self-respect maybe.

-OUT-

Enough Of Emptiness

Heh,Lord.
Read this please.
Why i'm feeling this feel. yes, that one of being lost and dis-orientated. the one where time of the world rush me by and not even a care was thrown to me. oh. maybe i'm ignoring the important cues. thats more likely. i'm so sick of all that treatment i'm getting. its wrong to expect anything i guess. but i'm a pillar, in more ways then one, to the people around me. the ones i love, i loved and love me. BIG SIGHS. -yells- -bang walls- and sighs.
------------ -+ -- ++=_+
alright. enough of complaining yeah.
thanks and gratefulness to those who bother to read my blog. oh is it?
hmm..ya, even chanced upon encounters' are much appreciated.
lessons still are being learnt, whilst i go about daily lamenting about my nearing 24th birthday.
I so wanna spew my heart out to some one. some one who is not troubled as they are. in peace and found peace. do they exist? (minus God, i mean)

---- +---

enough, too! of all that self-brought expectations of people. so yes, built to be solo, work as a solo. now i believe:
Minus Expecting Mindset, Expectorated Contentment."

-===- -=+=-

hmm....alright the good things, i'm sure its always there, sitting aside, ignored.
family's perfect now. dad n mum's so much happier and feeling confident nowadays. -grins-
and Lord, I thank you for that guidence that prevented insanity from creeping in to our life in a exponential rate. its so gentle, almost subtle ways, you had made your presence felt.
But Lord, I ask for your blessings once again, come bring us (me&mich) through this period of her wishing to read in the local universities. Lord, bring forthe the answer, i'm so clueless in how and when can i help. I just dun wanna let her be hurt.
-----+

Lecture of numbers starting soon, 45minutes to go. and i'm alone sitting some where near the deans' office. wondering if i bake some nice cookies for them, would them make the exams easier?

Lord, to You, I commit.

vintage leak

----------------------------------File under old----------------
Date: June, 29th 2003
Time: 1224hrs

STARING AT TORUS

realised that how snippets of time are just manifasted dimensions of or forced (dimensioned) mind.
Bad.
I had lied to avoid nag. Yet i'm perpuatually nagged somewhere in our mental universe of something caused we set (off) without goals.

prostitution. PROSTITUTION.
how often had we prostituted ourselves, our wants for other wants, sexual? Its biological. fuck propanganda shit.
chilling to "the best of ORB" i read the script of (my) all time fav, "π" (pi, 3.142), the movie, the production. I sense the struggle of Daren.
He struggled against his slack nature. His yearn to be fucking original.

Daren Aronofsky -(director of "π" Pi the movie)

On there the name, immortalised in my one dimensions at this moment.
Crude but i like raw humans minus all sexual wants, u see the soul.

"Man without doubt is a Man without wisdom"

of fuck now this had been visualised twice in three days. are doubt tools of our mental monkey, like backdoors in software, like a keyhole in a multi-key secured safe?
-IRONY-
-beautiful life essence i believe

ah...more then ten minutes into this self-cut journey in myself.
I smiled and thought of lies in function.
My nose trickle a drop.
Suspense.
I felt so.
Wiped.
A soggy tissue.

Shots on my Kodak camara. perfect so far.

"Mum told me not to, so I did."

Irony at work? again defiance breaks culture, evolution is defiant. Nature is defiant!
But had humankind woven a structure so tight that it stops nature's works?

"Graphing number forms patterns..."

SADNESS-
ah...pondered how MAX in "π" Pi the movie stupify the search for the solution to random stock values.
Oh. maybe he represented all of us.
Damn. I'm confused.
-bleah-

------------------------------------------END--------------------------------------------------
Note:
was lifted off in whole from BLACK BOOK Vol.1
written whilst facing the city centre of Singapore from the Library@Esplanade

week blues

Hail King. and Kings

attempt failed. that another attempt to make a perfect day despite the hot sun's mocking burns and that so-so movie.
Wonder whats keeping me alive anymore. things are always not complete. not the tutorials for sure. never ending piles of tutorials. bottomless pit of yearns had erm...disappeared. momental laughters and confidence fed my emptying existance. whats coming up the corner? the snares of killer tests and just the up'coming stress calls i guess. i wanna speak my mind. but i'm restraining, my weakness that i hadn't gotten over. hey Lingyun, if u're reading this, mondays and tuesdays are confirms periods of library desk hogging, join me if u can. yeah.
--- +----
----- +=---
Monday was just another day i guess, not that i meant anything, but had learnt its the day of harvesting the sowed seeds of the victims of commercialisation, i hadn't escaped that too. but what ugly yield expectations can bring. so i guess, lesson learnt. nah, never gonna mentioned about that again. -----+---
can't stop staring at the moon, so beautiful it remain hanging in the sky. yet its face of inspiring sereneity had witnessed so many killings, murders, rapes, lies, adultary and pumpkins smashed.
-----------------------------+---------------------- -----+-

...........am looking fwd to a special date that i gonna throw a surprise.....to that someone.

Guitar Molester Speaks

heh peeps.
enough of mugging. been holding back the urge to blog for a week now. whats holding me back? ain't got a blurest idea. maybe no one reads often. had told couple of friends, but only once. nevermind the low readership. lots more space to bitch i guess...
so reality check, whats in my life now. Pi, my band, so glad its taking off, music ideas' still flowing a healthy flux. cool.....oh my Red Pillarc, its like feelings rekindled once again! Not hanging out much except for the short-noticed mug sessions with ryan or Lingyun. hm...but then again...ryan's so preoccupied with his gal nowadays... Am needing some excitement in my life man, urgently, critically! (dun get me wrong mich). bbq with the poly-grads nus pals were fun...so full of crapping over crabs whilst jokes peppered the air of fermi levels in semiconductors too haha! NERD ALERT!! hahabut i'm fine with being labelled as a nerd, rock nerd. my new year resolution anyway.
---+-

wrote dad a card to encourage him, a note of thanks and smiles. I'm sweet. and emo.

----+-
guess mum hadn't expect that coming. "you've grown up, with that card u wrote. its so touching, kelvin." -mum

----+--

alright. so the lunar new year is here. and so is the stress turn on switch. time to start that war....against the books. i will fight till the A's

aww...whatever.

_-------__-_+==


mich, thanks for that 'same you' picture, made my week really. same you sweet.



-------end-

that whatever special

heh fellow members of sol.
Its two weeks into my new term of this new year. an exciting one i'm sure.
life's path of late has been like closing a few doors and opening new doors. and some doors that had been there for 10 years now, reopened again.
and some friends who wouldn't understand that I'm in a position where time spent a lazing and at home seems like pure bliss to me. sigh.

---+-

Mich's saying chances of her continuing her academic adventure in the clump of land known as the U.S.A. is highly probable.
I wonder, if thats gonna become. for does that spells the end of the start of this blissed recent existance i'm so contented with now. or is it gonna be like a struggle of restrain minds and hearts seperated by hurricanes tsunamis and fish-filled voids. its gonna take many months. or it might only be a shortlived lesson for something do break when pulled over long distances too hard.
i dun know 'bout that man. ain't keen at all. but guess like she says,"whatever happens, whatever happens.".

---+-

school's a freaking time bomb i think. wonder engineers and scientist form part of the occupants of woodbridge mental hotel. could be linked by some mathematical function inversly proportional to the average grades of the undergrads like me of any particular year. started when dad mentioned that when i told my family that its pretty natural to laspe into conversations with fellow campus dudes about jokes involving equations and stupid lecture jokes by the damn egg'heads sometimes, -shrugs- been like that since i was in sec.3. but it got me through maths lessons then...maybe its good after all.

---+-

reading up my black book mind vault never fail to put a smile on my face riding that all so routine bus' to campus. am i a daily product now. where lesson time governs my life rather then the sun and occasional moonrise.

oh btw da Rock Fingers® are back. rockin and may soon the churning begins.